another sleepless night

Well, here I am... awake again in the middle of the night.  It is time to pray.  Prayer is needed for many things all of the time, but I am needing some very specific direction for both Kelly and me.  I have asked others to pray for me on this, but have realized that I need to sit, be still, know.  

My head gets so noisy with the worries and distractions.  What if I hurt someone's feelings?  What if we make the wrong decisions?  Why are people so hurtful?  Why are we taken for granted?  Are my concerns valid or just part of this weird cycle of grief I am finally acknowledging?

I have basically stopped eating this week.  I haven't chosen to fast.  I just don't want to eat.  Maybe this is why I wake up with a headache around 2:30 am.   

I want to be excited about some possible changes in our lives, but fear and worry always send me back.  I am just done with certain things I see going on.  I don't understand recent things that have happened, and I don't think I ever will.  I am not motivated to help out like I used to because I feel so taken advantage of.  I am in over my head and very angry.  

But, I am a change is good person.  Change can be good for Kelly and it could be done for me.  I want to give in to the smiles I have had recently and admit these are butterflies, but again, fear is holding me back.  

Right now, I choose to give in to God's grace and leading.  I choose to get on my face before Him and openly share my heart and not just be silent because He already knows my heart.  I choose to be ready and available for the new paths that He will take Kelly and me on and I am ready to be excited and not scared.  I choose to embrace this life for the first time!