I Have a Migraine and It Is NOT Okay

Death feels like my only hope.  The thoughts of cutting my temples open make me wonder if that would offer relief.

So there we were, coming down the 2nd mountain, in dense fog, rain, and in 1st gear going about 10 miles an hour.  We still had about 30 miles to go until we got down the mountain and close to home.  It had already been about 5 hours of pure hell for a trip home that should only have taken 4 hours.  I contemplated opening the door to roll out and down the mountain side.  I was in so much pain that I couldn’t stand it.  For the 3rd time, I was crying, having trouble breathing, nauseous, and shocked by the intense shakes I had.  My husband found one of the few places to pull over and stopped the car movement for me.  

After a few minutes, I said we could go again.  My husband shared his gift of story-telling and tried to distract me by fun stories from his youth all the way down the mountain.  Believe it or not, he had about 45 minutes worth of stories and a few of them, I had not heard before.  

We finally arrived home at about 3:30 am and we crawled into bed.  My husband rubbed my head and played with my hair in an effort to relax me so I could sleep.  He was exhausted himself yet took the time to care for me.  

This was the climax of a migraine that I woke up with on Saturday morning.  We were scheduled to head out of town, only about 4 hours away, to help with a move for a few hours and we needed to head back home the same day in order to retrieve Baby dog from boarding.   It ended up being a longer day than planned because I woke up in intense pain and asked if we could leave about an hour later.  My husband agreed as he was exhausted from the week anyway and could use the extra hour of sleep.  When we got up an hour later, the pain was still present, but manageable.  But I knew it was going to be a rough day for me.  I hoped I’d suffer in silence and make it through.  

I could go on with more drama, but this is just one instance of 10+ on the pain scale migraine that I often have.  As a matter of fact, according to migraine buddy (a fabulous app for migraine tracking) I have a migraine 71% of my life at about a 6 on the pain scale.  Most of the migraines are on weekdays and start at work or on the road to/from work.  Most of my triggers are stress, weather, and hormone fluctuations.  I usually have a migraine for an average of 50 hours.  Last month, my longest stretch migraine free was 4 days in a row.  

This is my life.

My husband suffers from chronic pain in the form of an arthritic back.  His pain is very real, and validated by doctors and peers.  Chronic pain sufferers also deal with extreme fatigue, depression, and sleep problems among other issues.  The pain is chronic because it’s consistent over a long period of time, yet chronic pain sufferers also experience periods of heightened pain.

Migraine sufferers endure years of pain on and off.  Mostly on.  Their pain is very real but not always validated by doctors and peers.  They suffer with extreme fatigue, depression, and sleep problems among other issues.  Additionally, they can suffer vision disturbances, super sensitivity to light and sounds, extreme nausea, trouble with speech, pain radiating to the neck and shoulders, and many other problems that interfere with work, family, friends… LIFE!

In my experience, I’ve had several MRI’s to conclude that I don’t have a brain tumor.  I’ve been on preventative treatment that didn’t really work but caused kidney stones.  Additional preventative medication that I am on now is not working, even to help with the high blood pressure.  I cannot take triptans because of the high blood pressure I now have and I hate the chest pains and trouble breathing that I experience when I take them.  Opioids do assist with heightened pain periods but doctors are unwilling to prescribe them to help me.  I no longer go to the emergency room when I have emergency room worthy migraines, such as the one described above.  They will keep you in the room for hours before they offer any relief because you are judged as a drug addict and they just need to be sure you are not.  Evidently that is what doctors think of me too since they won’t assist me with any pain relief.  But considering the last prescription was 6 pills with no refills and that was 2 years ago, I don’t think I have a drug problem.  The last prescription was a synthetic opioid and it actually caused more intense pain than what I had initially.  After giving that drug 3 tries, I threw them out.  

My next steps are to ask my gyn for the 3rd time for a hysterectomy.  As most of my migraines are during pre-menstrual times, I believe coming off of birth control and removing unnecessary parts will assist in the migraine journey.   I’ve adjusted my diet, routine, and supplements and feel like I’ve tried at least half of what I can think of to change.  We’ve been making an effort to be more active (very hard to do when you hurt).  Going gluten free felt worse than the pain, however; our diet is primarily as anti-inflammatory as possible.  I’m looking into a keto plan as I believe that might also assist with my husband’s restless legs.  I’m looking into the cost of acupuncture.  We’ve just purchased an anti-gravity chair.  Another friend mentioned botox.  I sure wish I had access to unlimited funds!  

So here I am.  Drifting through my life in constant pain, trying not to complain or mention that I have a “headache” today.  I’ve been lying to everyone about how I feel and It is not okay.

Fellow migraine sufferers, you are not alone.  I think each of our journeys are different, yet there can be unity in suffering.  Researching new ways for relief, sharing our findings, and encouraging others in the same situation. Even praying for each other.  You aren’t the only ones that get to hear kind suggestions for relief, like “just take 6 advil with a cup of coffee.” Or “it’s probably just your sinuses” or “have you tried…”.  Although meant well, depending on how you are feeling at that moment, these comments can really hurt your feelings and make your situation feel minimized.  

So here’s to understanding that each migraine sufferer’s pain and situations are unique and no one can truly understand how we feel.  But my hope is that we can still find ways to enjoy our lives as much as possible and love on those that truly try to understand us.  

I’m praying for you!