Fear of Flying

Flying in to NYC December 2019

The last time I flew was to my grandmother's funeral in January of 2002!  That's a lot of years ago.  I also didn't have great experiences my last flights to anywhere.

We flew through a turbulent storm, coming home from my grandmother's and experienced my first panic attack along with immense motion sickness.  Luckily I only turned white and never green.  The next flights after this were back to where my grandmother lived but it was for her funeral.  Sigh...

Why am I writing about this.  I don't know.... therapy maybe?  We were gifted with airline tickets to NYC.  My stepson and his girl are there and we were invited to stay with them and enjoy some time in NYC!  My first trip there.   My daughter has been there, my husband lived there years ago, and then there's me.  

We had the tickets for a while and nerves continued to build regarding the trip.  Then my nerves skyrocketed after a really sore foot for the months of September and October. The result, a stress fracture diagnosis on 10/31/19.  Our trip to NYC was scheduled for 12/27/19!  So now there was the increased nerves of what condition will my foot be in by then?

I'm victorious and the terrible anxiety and panic attacks I suffered from for years have not been an issue for me the past few years.  PRAISE GOD... but here I was, sort of thinking I needed an emergency kit for the trip.  So I went to the doctor and asked for 4 xanax pills for 'just in case'.  

Well, unfortunately, our flight was leaving Atlanta at 6 am and we live about 2 hours from the airport and we still needed to get our car settled in an offsite long term parking lot.  Since we needed to leave for the airport around 1:30am... we pulled an all nighter.  NOT SMART.

We listened to worship music on the way into town and then we started getting sleepy about half way to Atlanta.  Getting caffeine in the middle of the night was probably not the best idea and I should have stuck to just being in prayer mode.  Being over tired by the time we got to the Atlanta airport just intensified my nerves.  I was doing okay until.... I had to go to the restroom and ended up walking to every restroom in the north and south terminals to find them ALL CLOSED for cleaning.  AT THE SAME TIME.  Not a good place to be.  So I started a bit of a panic attack.  I felt so defeated.  One of the restrooms finally opened and I unfortunately got ill from the nerves.  I'm even more defeated.  So... as I finally returned from a 30 minute bathroom trip (due to the tons of walking back and forth trying to find an open restroom), my anxious husband thought I got kidnapped or something (I left my phone on our table at IHOP thinking I would only be gone 5 minutes).  So there I was... trembling, feeling like a failure, and trying to get my xanax bottle open.  I took 1/2 of one and then we continued to go check in our bags.  I started the light hyper ventilating.  It was embarrassing.  My hubby was stressed too, but gently tried to calm me down.  

Then comes the mean strip search (I mean security check).  Of course I did it wrong because they are yelling at you the long list of stuff to take out of your carry on, while you are trying to take off  your shoes and pretty much finish the list after you have already sent your bin on.  So after an additional search of my purse by the not so sweet security people... I was a sweaty, nervous wreck.  

I took the other 1/2 of the xanax.  

Feeling more like a defeated failure.

Once we finally boarded and realized how tight airplanes are now, I freaked!  I ended up taking 2 fast dissolve dramamines and a nausea pill.  

I took about a 30 minute nap on our 2 and a half hour flight and while I passed out my poor hubby started having a restless legs attack.  What a pair we were.  

Luckily, when we arrived at my stepson;os, he had planned a low key day.  Good thing as I was so over medicated, all I did was roll around and fall asleep on his couch all day/evening/night.  How embarrassing.  

We ended up having a great trip even though my foot was still in intense pain as I somehow managed to get a secondary injury to my foot at the beginning of December.  But we loved spending time with my stepson, meeting his girl, seeing the sights, walking more steps than I should have, and just being together.  

How did the trip home go?  Well, we had a full night's sleep prior to leaving, the trip from my stepson's apartment to the airport was only 15 minutes (terrifying though), and check in was far less stressful.  The airplane wasn't full and although the flight was somewhat turbulent, I was fine.  

So how does fear of flying end? Not sure when we'll go back to NYC to see my stepson, but I believe we're looking into a longer trip and taking the train or possibly flying out of Greenville, SC rather than Atlanta.  

Also, I'm still victorious even though I panicked.  I do believe lack of sleep didn't help and the fact that my discernment is so strong that I felt everyone's anxiety in the Atlanta airport.  It is just a really stressful airport although you do feel pretty safe there, ironically.

I'm not going to let this incident get the better of me.  I can overcome this setback.  I'm not saying that I'll fly anywhere, anytime soon but I'll prepare better on the front side with better flight scheduling for times and place.  Also making sure I've eaten and I'm not over tired.  

Do you fly often?  What are your best tips to have a stress free experience?  

Please share in the comments!!

I Have a Migraine and It Is NOT Okay

Death feels like my only hope.  The thoughts of cutting my temples open make me wonder if that would offer relief.

So there we were, coming down the 2nd mountain, in dense fog, rain, and in 1st gear going about 10 miles an hour.  We still had about 30 miles to go until we got down the mountain and close to home.  It had already been about 5 hours of pure hell for a trip home that should only have taken 4 hours.  I contemplated opening the door to roll out and down the mountain side.  I was in so much pain that I couldn’t stand it.  For the 3rd time, I was crying, having trouble breathing, nauseous, and shocked by the intense shakes I had.  My husband found one of the few places to pull over and stopped the car movement for me.  

After a few minutes, I said we could go again.  My husband shared his gift of story-telling and tried to distract me by fun stories from his youth all the way down the mountain.  Believe it or not, he had about 45 minutes worth of stories and a few of them, I had not heard before.  

We finally arrived home at about 3:30 am and we crawled into bed.  My husband rubbed my head and played with my hair in an effort to relax me so I could sleep.  He was exhausted himself yet took the time to care for me.  

This was the climax of a migraine that I woke up with on Saturday morning.  We were scheduled to head out of town, only about 4 hours away, to help with a move for a few hours and we needed to head back home the same day in order to retrieve Baby dog from boarding.   It ended up being a longer day than planned because I woke up in intense pain and asked if we could leave about an hour later.  My husband agreed as he was exhausted from the week anyway and could use the extra hour of sleep.  When we got up an hour later, the pain was still present, but manageable.  But I knew it was going to be a rough day for me.  I hoped I’d suffer in silence and make it through.  

I could go on with more drama, but this is just one instance of 10+ on the pain scale migraine that I often have.  As a matter of fact, according to migraine buddy (a fabulous app for migraine tracking) I have a migraine 71% of my life at about a 6 on the pain scale.  Most of the migraines are on weekdays and start at work or on the road to/from work.  Most of my triggers are stress, weather, and hormone fluctuations.  I usually have a migraine for an average of 50 hours.  Last month, my longest stretch migraine free was 4 days in a row.  

This is my life.

My husband suffers from chronic pain in the form of an arthritic back.  His pain is very real, and validated by doctors and peers.  Chronic pain sufferers also deal with extreme fatigue, depression, and sleep problems among other issues.  The pain is chronic because it’s consistent over a long period of time, yet chronic pain sufferers also experience periods of heightened pain.

Migraine sufferers endure years of pain on and off.  Mostly on.  Their pain is very real but not always validated by doctors and peers.  They suffer with extreme fatigue, depression, and sleep problems among other issues.  Additionally, they can suffer vision disturbances, super sensitivity to light and sounds, extreme nausea, trouble with speech, pain radiating to the neck and shoulders, and many other problems that interfere with work, family, friends… LIFE!

In my experience, I’ve had several MRI’s to conclude that I don’t have a brain tumor.  I’ve been on preventative treatment that didn’t really work but caused kidney stones.  Additional preventative medication that I am on now is not working, even to help with the high blood pressure.  I cannot take triptans because of the high blood pressure I now have and I hate the chest pains and trouble breathing that I experience when I take them.  Opioids do assist with heightened pain periods but doctors are unwilling to prescribe them to help me.  I no longer go to the emergency room when I have emergency room worthy migraines, such as the one described above.  They will keep you in the room for hours before they offer any relief because you are judged as a drug addict and they just need to be sure you are not.  Evidently that is what doctors think of me too since they won’t assist me with any pain relief.  But considering the last prescription was 6 pills with no refills and that was 2 years ago, I don’t think I have a drug problem.  The last prescription was a synthetic opioid and it actually caused more intense pain than what I had initially.  After giving that drug 3 tries, I threw them out.  

My next steps are to ask my gyn for the 3rd time for a hysterectomy.  As most of my migraines are during pre-menstrual times, I believe coming off of birth control and removing unnecessary parts will assist in the migraine journey.   I’ve adjusted my diet, routine, and supplements and feel like I’ve tried at least half of what I can think of to change.  We’ve been making an effort to be more active (very hard to do when you hurt).  Going gluten free felt worse than the pain, however; our diet is primarily as anti-inflammatory as possible.  I’m looking into a keto plan as I believe that might also assist with my husband’s restless legs.  I’m looking into the cost of acupuncture.  We’ve just purchased an anti-gravity chair.  Another friend mentioned botox.  I sure wish I had access to unlimited funds!  

So here I am.  Drifting through my life in constant pain, trying not to complain or mention that I have a “headache” today.  I’ve been lying to everyone about how I feel and It is not okay.

Fellow migraine sufferers, you are not alone.  I think each of our journeys are different, yet there can be unity in suffering.  Researching new ways for relief, sharing our findings, and encouraging others in the same situation. Even praying for each other.  You aren’t the only ones that get to hear kind suggestions for relief, like “just take 6 advil with a cup of coffee.” Or “it’s probably just your sinuses” or “have you tried…”.  Although meant well, depending on how you are feeling at that moment, these comments can really hurt your feelings and make your situation feel minimized.  

So here’s to understanding that each migraine sufferer’s pain and situations are unique and no one can truly understand how we feel.  But my hope is that we can still find ways to enjoy our lives as much as possible and love on those that truly try to understand us.  

I’m praying for you!